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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Meltdown Madness - I Embraced My Inner 14 Year Old

Part of my mixing in the insanity bin part of my brain lately may have to do with a few issues I've been confronted with over the past several months. You know, Spring sprung, all the flowers blooming etc... mingled in with my emergence from a time of chronic and fierce daily pain.

Now Summer at hand, the hay on the fields nearby has been cut for first baling, turning amber, the heat here withering those little Spring flowers. I'm still pain free and loving that part of my life but I'm wondering at times if I've traded that pain for some sort of mental deficiency. Really chucking down the B vitamins lately...just in case.

What I think it, at least partially, comes down to is my seeing how quickly life is zipping past. I mean the hours rush by at full gallop and I now hit my hair with a bit of color care of Cindy at the Salon. I've fine lines under my eyes and my forehead recently had a nice little Botox injection. (It can be our secret.) Not that I'm particularly vain but I have been known to occasionally care about my presentation to the world. Granted, over the past five years I've not dwelt on it that much with the overwhelming physical aches and pains taking front seat in my consciousness. Priorities, you know.

I've always had a temper, it's one of my failings as a human being. I was One-of-Those children who could throw herself down in public and scream like a maniac. Poor Darling Man and the other men before him could attest I can throw random objects with precise speed and force when I'm sufficiently inspired. That said, I'm not an angry person, on the contrary I'm a normally laid back person with a wry sense of humor and have been known to roll around being ridiculously silly. Thing is, once inspired I can go on a roll, a tangent, rally into an obsessed red haze to see justice done in all of it's glory. Well, justice in so far I see its meaning. I would have made a great warrior Princess.

I recently, as some of you know, developed this strange fascination for someone I met on-line, which became fueled by late night talks and random comments. I have to clarify, I've met a lot of people on line, male, female but never felt this level of connection before, especially from the very start. Sadly there were a lot of odd issues at hand; he's quite a distance from me, current relationships and he's a bit younger than I am, ripe considerations that lead to misinterpretations all around.

Today an on-line cohort put up this article, lively written by Joan Raymond for Newsweek Pop Vox, titled, "Why Cougars Crave "Idol" Runner-Up Adam Lambert". Now don't go running off thinking it's Adam gLambert who is the person of point in my little fascination, no, but the point of the article fits. It fits quite well. It's that cougar moniker bothering me somewhat as well. Cougar. Man, is that what it is then when a lady becomes a certain age and discovers an attraction for someone younger? I guess so. Makes me cringe, really.

Anyway, in Ms. Raymond's article she relays her thoughts about gLambert's gorgeous Rolling Stone Magazine cover shoot, writing, "We love Adam, truly, madly, deeply, in a kind of weirdly Mrs. Robinson sexual way. And the reason doesn't just have to do with our past lives as professional groupies. It also has something to do with biology."

That phrase ticked for me like that bio-clock I've heard about...I thought yeah, it sums up my thoughts of late, how time is running by so quickly. I've found myself lately with my newly found pain free existence noticing more around me, feeling in tune with The Everything of Everything. It's been rather like taking a trip back in time; like this quote from sex therapist Laura Berman, director of the Berman Center in Chicago, "I think more women would be happier if they channeled their inner 14-year-old girls once in a while," It's exactly like what I've been experiencing - I have been embracing my inner 14 year old with wild abandon. Too wild at times and too much abandon.

Taking that article's theory, that the writer's (and her friend's) connection with Lambert may be a wake-up call to be more playful, to have more fun, exercise the right to be more confident, I completely relate. That has been my inner mantra now for months. I've almost been screaming to anyone who will listen, "I'm back, man, I'm embracing the Sunny I was before the pain, before I got sick!" I'm getting to the point I'm almost boring myself over it.

Darling Man has looked at me with an almost slight fear in his eyes since my 'emergence' as I think of it. He said he doesn't know if he can handle me being back like That again. I catch him trying to get me to slow down, to do the things I have for the past several years, be more sedate. I just can't, I'm absolutely exploding to be Out There. I know temperance and moderation the balance and key to a good life without being self-destructive to oneself; at one point I was relatively self-destructive, something I'm not proud of. Rather, this time around, what I am shooting for, at this point in my life - acknowledging I will be accepted - for me. Thing is, goal one, tempering that attitude with some semblance of grace. Obviously I fell off that descriptor (the graceful part) again the other night.

You see, I had things I wanted to say to SOMEONE who has affected me rather like the woman wrote feeling about young Adam. My issue, the man had decided to absolutely cut me out after we had an unfortunate argument. I'm not even sure what started some of our 'discussions' we've had. One minute everything is all nice and funny then it would get rather sexy then we'd have an argument. Certainly people argue, that last night I was angry with him too, but I get mad then I get over it. I may throw a plate or something, but then I'm done. Obviously he is not like me in that regard. Too, I think it was perhaps his way to justify and create a moment for this break; it had been discussed, considering everything going on, the most sensible plan for everyone involved. We knew each other a short time but things went spiraling out of control very quickly. It was odd, fascinating and well fascinating the best word for it.

Anyway, my combined inner self-destructive Diva came bursting out all over the place in a big gooey rage, the other night. I was ranting in frustrations over this person not wanting to see things my way. For this person not hearing me out or giving me at least the respect of a decent last conversation. The last one he and I had consisted of his relaying the painfulness of this association for him, how he'd been feeling physically affected by this and how he's not certain this a healthy thing for he or I. He was being wrecked with guilt, with feeling "like shit" for how this situation was conflicting with his personal life. How he felt miserable over what and how he was feeling and thinking about me.

I never got to have my say really. No, during the 'discussion' that last night, I became all adolescent reactions like I had braces and zits again. I did not get the opportunity to let him know how it had affected me; the pros and the cons. How absolutely wonderful I thought he was while understanding this wasn't a feasible thing. Instead we wound up virtually shouting and hanging up on each other and then, poof. He cuts me off. It was not dissimilar to being censored or driving a one-way highway to Hell. His version of Highway to Hell.

Following his then shutting me out of everyplace we had talked previously, my 14 year old inner adolescent was literally screaming to punish him for his transgressions of not putting the fight past us and at least parting on more amicable terms. It was the nature of the situation from the start, quite intense yet sad; a meeting of the minds over how we had ended just as oddly and intensely as we started. Intriguing yet almost scary to imagine what he and I would be like toward each other in person. It would have certainly been one for the books. In fact it is. Tentatively, currently, I'm titling it "Time and Place" and certainly this man will have an acknowledgment should everything work out. I just wish things could have been more like how I'm writing it and that we'd not come to such a violent end. I regret being unable to keep that 14 year old adolescent with braces and zits under control; I regret I lost my mind and my sense of grace. Regret has it's place, I'm just not ready to file it away yet. I'm thinking that is the Inner 14 year old talking, I really need get her under control.

"Lie to Me" Chris Isaak

There is a woman, far over the sea.
Standing and waiting, praying for me.
Here I lie sleeping, a girl by my side.
Who am I hurting, each time I lie.

Lie to me, lie. Lie to me, lie.

There is a woman, trying hard to be brave.
The way that I hurt her, has made her afraid.
Things that I'm doing, are breaking her heart.
Still she's pretending, we'll never part.

Lie to me, lie. Lie to me, lie.

I don't care what people may say, I know everybody lies.
I'm not trying to hurt my love, I'm only trying to get by.

There is a woman, far over the sea.
Standing and waiting, praying for me.
Here I lie guilty, a girl by my side.
Who am I hurting, each time I lie.

Lie to me, lie. Lie to me, lie. Lie to me, lie. Lie to me, Lie.


  1. Anonymous10:54 PM

    Why is it women always seem to need "Closure" while men can just walk away? They must be missing a gene or something.


  2. Thank you Dee. It's something that has worked my mind about this issue.

  3. I just now had time to read this and it really speaks to me. I always thought the mid-life crisis thing was just an excuse for men to behave like idiots, but man, (and I hate admitting this) I am in its throws.

    It’s all about time passing and wondering if you’ve still got It and being sick of playing it safe and yearning for MORE. Though you aren't writing about a mid-life crisis, I still think I understand how you feel.

    Pretty cliché, but you remind me of a wild horse that’s been in the barn too long. You want to run and run and run. As for Stuart? He couldn’t handle you. He fell off.

  4. Thank you for that comment Caryl! You know what, I needed to read all of that. I love being your friend. I was just giving you some Hell at Grey's for fun, I'd never be mean to you. (hugs)

  5. It's cool. Back atcha.